Look, Im a realist. I know that it’s impossible to share a toke with my beautiful cats. But as a stoner, its something Ive always dreamt of doing. Theyre pretty chilled out by nature, so mostly I just pretend theyve joined me on an altered plane of consciousness.
But what if I neednt pretend any longer? What if there were a productsay, catnipnot blandly packaged and sold in pet stores, but branded to appeal to stoners like me and available for purchase online, that could afford me the opportunity to chemically commune with my pets?
Look no further, fellow feline-friendly pot fiends, for a product has shimmied its way into our cold, meaningless lives, sold exclusively in a little place calledMeowijuanaville:
Perusing Meowijuanas online retail presence, you have a few choices of catnip bud, as well as your pick of many accessories that allow you to flaunt your quirky weed/catnip consumerism. All the bud is packaged with labels featuring big green crosses, meant to convey its hilarious faux benefits as a pharmaceutical drug. To assuage any doubts of the legality of such a purchase, the fine folks at Meowijuana LLC also offer you the option of purchasing a Medical Meowijuana ID for $9.95, which you can file away in case the feds get wind of your cat drugs.
Because I was on a budget, I took the risk of only purchasing the small jar of Purrple Passion strain catnip (sans ID card), feeling very assured by its nine 5-star reviews that the herb would transport my cats into a reality beyond their comprehension.
When the package arrived, my catsPetey, my gray tabby and Cheddar, my orange tabbywere immediately intrigued.
A little background on my precious beasts: In general, I describe Petey as the pretty and sweet cat who conveys little to no substance of character, evidenced by her hollow, empty eyes. Shes not very bright, but shes cute. She also doesnt understand boundaries or that her claws are sharp.
Cheddar, on the other hand, is much more human-like. He processes way more information about you than Petey does or ever will. He understands boundaries and that his claws are sharp. For these reasons, hes my favorite (dont tell Petey). I like to think that its his suffering through hardshipspecifically, asthmathat has informed his senseofbeing.
So I guess what followed post catnip-consumption wasnt exactly surprising, and I was proud that Petey finally found her souls calling.
In short, Petey lost her goddamn mind. She couldnt get enough of this stuff. She rolled and pawed around, licking a bag filled with a couple of catnip buds (it didn’t take much!), chewing on it so aggressively that she released the buds in order to get them directly into her mouth. She was consumed by a desire that held her and forced her body to and froshe needed that nip any way she could get it.
Cheddar had his fun, too. But this is the only compromising position I caught him in during this extended catnip photo session:
About 10 minutes later, he was over itas if possessing the knowledge of aprophet who knows the depths of lifes bounty and that catnip is only one of many avenues of accessand saw fit just to stand idly by while Peteyreveled in ecstasy for the next 45 minutes.
I repeated this experiment a couple of times, giving Petey (the true connoisseur) the chance to choose between pet-store brand catnip and the branded-for-her-stoner-owner Meowijuana, and she always picked the latter, always losing all her shit.
Maybe certain strains of marijuana have a similar effect on people, but Ive never seen it. Catnip isnt weed for cats; its MDMA for cats. Or at least this cat who Ive already mentioned is basically an empty vessel waiting to be filled with anything of substance. Perhaps it is only through this herb that Petey can fully express herselfcan finally fill herself up with something more than vacuity. With Meowijuana, she has found her souls complement, she explored the deepest wells of her True Self.
Shes finally free.
So if, like me, you like to get high but lament the fact that your cats cant join you, consider giving them the opportunity to transform into the Dionysian starchild youve always wanted them to be by purr-chasing some Meowijuana. Theres no guarantee your cat will reach Peteys heights of ecstasy, but they have a decent chance. Besides, you can always just smoke the stashlike the low-standards stoner you are.
Photo viaStephen Kruso/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)