Anyone who has spent any time on the internet will know not to eat sugar-free gummy bears.
They’re kind of renowned for being pretty good at giving you the sh*ts. Here are some of the most entertaining Amazon reviews of the hellish little treats:
What was once white but is now brown all over? No, no one has gotten a reverse Michael Jackson operation except my poor, unsuspecting toilet. It has only been two hours since I consumed 23 of these delectable gummies and I have already pulled a hat-trick in the bathroom. It has gotten to the point where my next Amazon purchase will have to be an industrial sized container of vaseline, because my scratchy 2-ply is quite literally sandpapering me away. If there is anything left of my intestines, I am sure to reach them soon at the rate of my wiping.
Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.
3. “You dont understand.“
I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.
When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.
Eat two at a time. Three if youre brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.
What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM
I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesnt want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. If you think its a fart.its NOT. hahhaaaaaa
6. “Its. All. True.”
OMG. Everything previously written is true. Its all true. Dont eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you are trying to power wash your intestines.
During one of the last of the 8 trips to the bathroom, I released such a large volume of gas that my external anal sphincter could not do its job, and remained open/relaxed, while about 4.5-5 seconds of gas was expelled. Ive never experienced, or even heard of that happening. It was so unnatural, that I had to check to feel if my colon had somehow passed through the anal sphincter muscle.
And production company ‘Stray Mongrel’ havecreated a hilarious re-enactment of some of the reviews – check it out: